On Sunday, the Guardian shared an interview with Russell Crowe. Though the article itself was somewhat boring; consistent with Russell Crowe’s personality and the majority of his movies, he provided one hilarious detail about the late great Michael Jackson:
For one thing, he found himself on the receiving end of repeated nuisance calls from, of all people, Michael Jackson. “For two or three fucking years,” he says. “I never met him, never shook his hand, but he found out the name I stayed in hotels under, so it didn’t matter where I was, he’d ring up do this kind of thing, like you did when you were 10, you know. ‘Is Mr Wall there? Is Mrs Wall there? Are there any Walls there? Then what’s holding the roof up? Ha ha.’ You’re supposed to grow out of doing that, right?”
So, we found that prank call. Enjoy. This is a true story. Seriously.
Voice of Russell Crowe provided by Eddie Seage. Jackson’s horrible impersonation done by Casey Casperson.
Megyn Kelly said this week on her show The Kelly File,
“By the way for all you kids watching at home, Santa just is White.”
Then follows up with an excellent defense of her standpoint,
“Jesus was a White man too. He’s a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact. As is Santa.”
Where to begin.
Jesus is White. I mean if you ever watch any cartoons about him, The Passion of the Christ, or Jesus Christ Superstar you’ll see he’s obviously a White male with a really kick ass beard. It makes sense considering he was born in Israel, to an Israeli family, and is always depicted as hanging out in the sun. It makes even more sense when you remember that God, who also has a kickass beard, is White too. Even if you’re an all powerful, all knowing, universal power that technically could manifest as any size, shape, animal, or even a table lamp; you just can’t change your race. I mean Michael Jackson tried, and his nose fell off!
Now on to Santa, dear beloved Santa.
The 3 main reasons Santa has to be White are as follows:
#1: He’s surrounded by snow 24/7. Snow is White.
#2: Just like Jesus, he’s always White in the movies or TV shows. (I don’t count the ones where he’s not White)
#3: Fox News would never hire someone who wasn’t super highly educated or an expert in their field. Megyn Kelly happens to be a top authority on Santaology and White Power.
So just remember this Christmas when you see a White Santa or Jesus running around, don’t get upset. It’s what White God intended. At least until the day we stop caring about race and start getting mad that Santa’s obese. It’s offensive to thin people everywhere; they can deliver presents too!