Day: January 29, 2014
Do you have a questionable moustache? Do you get your way an astonishingly high percentage of the time? Do the people you hate keep “running away to live on a farm with all the other haters”? If so, you may in fact be a dictator. Take the quiz to find out if you’re the leader of a nation that really doesn’t want you.
For each question, the number of your answer is the number of points you get.
1. On a scale of 1-10, how often do people compare you to Mao Tse Tung?
2. Have you ever been involved in the systematic destruction of your country’s past?
3. In this past week, how many people have called you Castro?
4. On a scale of 1-10, are you Castro?
If you scored any points–any points at all–you’re probably a dictator. Unless you don’t want to be a dictator, in which case the world is your oyster and I am but your humble servant, master.
(Please don’t kill me.)
This post is Not Safe For Work! Not because of any nudity, profane language, or any direct reference to illicit drugs. (The drug references are implied.)
It’s about how much you can’t stand your boss.
So it’s NSFW since if your boss sees you reading it, they’ll probably fire you. Either that or start crying since it will ruin years of expensive therapy and thier “Mommy issues” will resurface.
Let’s face it, your boss sucks. If your boss doesn’t suck, good for you! Stop reading, because those of us with sucky bosses will find you and break your nose with our Swingline Stapler®.
For everyone else, here’s the kinds of bosses to look out for and some helpful hints on how to deal with them.
Also, for fun, we will add a “Chance of getting Jacked in the Face” scale.
#1 – The Micromanager aka Overbearing Boss
– This is that boss that says “I know you’ve been doing this longer than me, but you’re doing it wrong.” Then shows you how to do your job incorrectly. Then forgets they showed you 3 weeks later and chastises you for your mistakes.
This boss will drive you bonkers, and it will take every once of willpower not to grab them by those annoying lapels and shake them till their tiny annoying heads fall off and roll down the hallway.
How to handle them: These types of bosses just want to feel like their words are important and you’re listening to them. They don’t actually think about what noises are falling out of their face hole. So just politely listen to them, nod and agree, then completely ignore everything they just told you.
Chances are, they won’t remember they said it in the first place and they’ll take credit for you doing such a great job anyways.
Chance of getting Jacked in the Face: Moderate
#2 – Clique King/Queen aka Plays Favorites Boss
-This boss has a small list of favorite employees, and you ain’t on it. (If you are, please refer to the Swingline reference at the top of the article.)
They go out partying all the time with their favs, then talk about it all day at work. Those people on the list can get away with murder, that AND 2 hour lunch breaks!
Meanwhile you get chewed out for using the wrong letterhead. It’s enough to make your head spin around Exorcism style.
How to handle them: A little friendly chat goes a long way with these guys. Just find out something about their family or an activity they enjoy and bring it up once in awhile. These bosses generally were outcasts in high school and are so desperate for friends that they will not care that people just pretend to like them so they can call out sick twice a week. It can be annoying to work with them, but watch how quick they soften up when you show alittle interest in their lives.
Chance of getting Jacked in the Face: Moderate to High (The high being a boss who parties non-stop, talks about it non-stop, and uses the word “Bro”)
#3 – The Hater of all Living Things aka The Eternally Displeased Boss
-This boss is the one that constantly criticizes you nonstop from the moment you punch in, till the moment you walk out the door mid shift because you can’t take it anymore.
There are issues in this bosses personal life and they’ve found a strategy that works for them to cope. Take it all out on you. This boss is the epitome of “Crap falls down”
How to handle them: Realize nothing you do will appease this freight train of unhappiness and learn to find happiness in your own hard work. You know you do the best you can, and that you do a darn good job. That or quit.
Chance of getting Jacked in the Face: So high you’ll probably use the bumper of your car to do it.
There are plenty more bosses to hate on, but these were the most prominent. Just remember, everyone gets cruddy bosses in their lives, it’s how you deal with it that matters.
Feel free to share more boss types with us in the comments, or email us at email@example.com
You may be thinking,
“Wait, it’s not the Cold War anymore man. There’s no more threat of nuclear war destroying the earth and leaving behind a race of flesh eating mutants man.”
But you never know when a nuke could detonate, or when James Bond will fail his mission and that short guy with the hat will blow up half the US in a great plot twist.
No one’s saying it will happen.
BUT, just in case here’s some helpful ways to look on the brighter side when your neighborhood is a smoldering radioactive crater.
-If your house is still standing, the real estate value will be astronomical.
Just think how much someone would pay for one of the last 5 standing houses in North America. They’d probably give you 50 rabbit skins for it, and their first born! (Assuming money no longer holds value, that rabbits are the only fur left worth hunting, and the kid knows how to farm.)
-You can eat whatever you want!
Eating “organic” can be such a headache. Once the ground is poisoned with so much radiation that potatoes come out with toes and fingernails, you’ll be begging for Beanie Weanies!
-You’re not a mutant
This one doesn’t require a whole lot of explanation. And honestly, you really won’t get it till your face to face with an army of disfigured freaks who would love nothing more than to nibble on your elbow joints for a few hours.
The closest thing I can think to compare it to would be that gang of teenagers who keep pulling the fire alarm in your building, except they like eating human kidneys.
-You’ll learn to cherish life
Nowadays life passes us by as we waste away on the computer. If civilization collapses in a firestorm, you’ll start to really savor every moment you have left. Spend more time with your kids, learn to adjust to that third arm you’re growing, maybe be nicer to your mother in-law.
So just remember, no matter how bad life seems, how destroyed your country is, or how it seems like the biblical prophecies have come to pass and God’s reckoning is being rained down on the non-believers, the glass is always half full.
If you do hear those bomb sirens wailing, it’s probably show night!
Our next show is Fri, Jan 10th! Get your tickets now! http://sickpuppiescomedy.wordpress.com/
As the new year rolls around, it’s time to ponder the Zombie Apocalypse. Do you have what it takes to escape a mall swarming with undead and over priced handbags? Do you freeze up when your mom is trying to chew you out, literally?
Well have no fear! Training in the art of improvisation can save you when the Umbrella Co. finally releases it’s deadly virus into the water supply.
5. Quick Thinking.
An improviser’s mind is trained to be as fast as lightning. So when you’re locked in a room with a small bus of undead boy scouts trying to break in to feast on your ankles, your well trained mind will remember that scout’s uniforms are highly flammable. You can then use your lighter to make a zombie flambe’!
4. Practice wielding a wide assortment of items.
An improviser has mimic’d holding almost any item imaginable. From a hair brush, to a tank’s treads, you’ll be able to deftly wield any item as a brain bashing weapon of doom!
It’s not just about pretending to be a cat heckling a dog funeral, you can improvise tools and weapons as well! Just think, you’ll be the MacGuyver of the group!
(For those of you who are too young for that reference, think Daryl from Walking Dead, only more tech saavy, and slightly less rednecky but still with a mullet.)
2. Boredom Killer
No TV, no internet, and no power to run your PS4. So what do you do for fun? Well an improviser just happens to know a ton of games to play. Plus, we are great at small talk.
Who should lead the ragtag team of survivors? Why not someone who’s faced down one on the most terrifying things ever, public speaking.
You think a room full of snarling bloodthirsty, rotting corpses is bad? Try a bombing in front of a bar crowd.
So join up and take Sick Puppies Improv training today!
Register for a level 1 class that begins jan 6 on our website right now! Who knows when the dead will rise again! Muhahah!
- REI prepares you for zombie apocalypse (q13fox.com)
Publix Fried Chicken
Your skin tastes so delicious.
Now I understand.
KFC, it hurts.
You are finger-licking good,
Taco Bell, really?
Why don’t you serve Fried Chicken?
Don’t you want money?
Boneless chicken flies
He’s a good escape artist
Man is very sad.
He does not have fried chicken.
I am a chicken.
I am fried. I am a god.
Hear my clucks of Truth.