Thank you Janet O’Keefe for the word. If you don’t know why we are writing about Shenanigans, we asked our Facebook fans to suggest some words for us to write about. Here you go! Also, congratulations on the two free tickets!
Shenanigans was a quiet coastal Irish town. Nothing worth noting ever really happened. Once a really strong wind blew Mr. McConaughey’s roof off. Considering he lived in a cardboard box that read “World’s Best Imported Imitation Crab” and his roof was made of aluminum foil, nobody really was too bothered by it. Then fate decided it was time that this town experienced laughter, pain and sorrow. Not necessarily in that order.
The trouble all started with Brian Dempsey. Brian was a small brown haired boy who had the unfortunate knowledge of what being fourteen with a full beard felt like. Brian had a list of nicknames he was used to hearing in the halls of Shenanigans High, “Teen Wolf”, “Fuzzy Wuzzy”, and “Lumberjack”. The last one didn’t bother him so much until some of the kids started randomly pushing trees on him on his walk home.
As an outcast, Brian began to find solace in solitude. He would sit in his room all day using hair wax to make creative mustaches and beard shapes. One day, he had shaped his mustache into sword handles and his beard into the point of a sword. His brain was flooded with images of medieval kings and knights storming castles and taking what they wanted with their forged steel. He knew what he must do.
Two days later (thanks to Amazon Prime shipping) Brian Dempsey was outfitted in king’s robes and a full suit of armor. Not to mention a giant 2 handed broadsword he lovingly nicknamed Bloodletting Aparatus Repurposed for Forays, or B.A.R.F. for short. (He was in high school after all) Donned in his new kingly regalia, Brian went forth to begin his campaign of justice, righteousness and maybe find a wench or two along the way. (He wasn’t quite sure what a wench was but they sounded like they would be fun at parties)
Tom O’Hara was the other part of this volatile situation. Tom was the town bully, and the one most responsible for Brian’s nicknames. Tom had a lot to live up to coming from a line of very successful bullies. For over ten generations, the O’Hara men and women had robbed Shenanigan citizens of everything from lunch money to baby candy. Tom had earned quite a reputation as a boy with moose knuckles (Don’t be dirty) and a fondness for other people’s angry birds collectibles.
Today Tom was following his normal routine of standing half covered in shadow on the side of the school to look menacingly at the other students. It just so happens he chose today to switch from standing in the west shadows to standing in the east shadows since he was starting to get a really awkward farmer’s tan down the middle of his face and it took far too much energy to beat up every kid who looked at him oddly. From this angle he saw Brian Dempsey, draped in armor wielding a broadsword, from a mile away. Two and a half miles to be precise since there wasn’t much overcast and it’s hard to miss a boy dressed as a king with an army of homeless people following him. Tom ran inside to amass his henchmen and threaten his own army to readiness.
Brian had been a busy boy king all morning. He had scoured the town for followers. After realizing the employees of the local Starbucks didn’t want to spend their smoke break fighting for his incredibly vague cause of “justice”, Brian promised all the homeless residing in the local shelter he would buy them McDonald’s sausage mcmuffins if they joined him. As Brian and his underfed army approached the school, he noticed O’Hara was ready for him. Every pimple faced, snot nosed, spoiled brat in the town had gathered out in front of the school at his back. Brian smiled widely as he approached. So widely in fact that all the kids could see it through his super thick beard and it freaked them out. Brian saw the crowd take a step back and knew the time to strike was now.
Tom saw Brian’s creepy smile and felt all those losers behind him back down. Then the sea of homeless were upon him. They really didn’t have the strength to do much damage, mostly they just pushed the kids down to the floor and searched their pockets for food or spare change. Unfortunately most of the brats in this town were silver spooners and were so grossed out by having the hands of the lower class on them that they ran screaming and rubbing hand sanitizer all over themselves.
Tom would not be so easily beaten! He rose quicky, pulled out his iPhone 6, and called his uncle that ran the nearby sub shop to begin his counter attack. Within minutes his uncle pulled around the corner with the food truck shaped like a sub that he used to cater weddings. The truck lurched to a halt in front of the mass of homeless people and his uncle popped out shouting “Free subs!” The homeless army turned it’s attention to the food truck and sprinted towards it like a pack of zombies in the Walking Dead® on AMC. Tom’s uncle peeled out taking the hungry homeless hunting for ham and cheese.
The streets were empty except for Tom O’Hara and Brian Dempsey. They were ready for battle. Brian raised B.A.R.F. high over his head, Tom raised his giant moose knuckles, and the two teenage titans launched at each other screaming battle cries at the tops of their lungs. Glorious battle was about to commence.
Suddenly an ear shattering banshee wail broke the silence. “Tom O’Hara! You put those fists down and get your freckled arse over here this instant!”
It seems Tom’s mother had arrived on the scene and, with the reflexes of a cat, managed to grab a hold of Tom’s ear. (The dreaded “Mother Ear Pull Technique” was passed down by O’Hara mothers to deal with O’Hara children) Tom cried out in pain and began whimpering like a puppy as he was dragged into the back seat of his mother’s Ford Taurus. After he was seated and had his seat belt fastened, she turned her attention to Brian. He was smiling smugly with B.A.R.F. draped over his shoulder, very happy with his victory. That was until Mrs. O’Hara laid into him.
Tom’s mother said “And you! How dare you come at my son with a real weapon! And raising an army before noon. Your parents will hear about this young man. Now off you go.” Brian tucked his B.A.R.F. in between his legs and walked home defeated.
The town of Shenanigans was forever changed after that day. They hadn’t realized just how bad the homeless problem was until they all came together in a mob and ripped apart a food truck in minutes. With the O’Haras taking the lead, (They beat up anyone who tried to take charge) the town built more shelters and had free skill training sessions to help the homeless population find meaningful jobs.
The moral of the story is, if you ever feel the urge to don armor and rally a group of unfortunate souls behind you to get back at a bully for making fun of your facial hair, it just might save someone’s life.
PS. Don’t actually do that. This story was fiction. I doubt you can even lift a broadsword. Those things way a ton. Stay inside and watch Netflix.