Choice Quotes from The First Volume of Mark Twain’s Autobiography

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The second volume of Mark Twain’s autobiography came out recently, and I’ve gotta tell you, I can’t wait to get my hands on that thing.

(Actually, I can. I’m waiting until Summer because it’s a tomb that will devour me in its warm embrace as soon as I open it. I’m just saying “I can’t wait” because we live in a society where you aren’t allowed to like something unless you slavishly love it. You know how that zeitgeist be.)

To commemorate the publication, we here at Sick Puppies have decided to share with you some of our favorite quotes from the first volume, which was released, what, four years ago or something*?

This is definitely the real Mark Twain.
This is definitely the real Mark Twain.

I was losing my belief in Hell until I got acquainted with the Countess Massiglia.


…it had swimming pools, too, which were forbidden to us and therefore much frequented by us. For we were little Christian children, and had been early taught the value of forbidden fruit.


I would move a state if the exigencies of literature required it.


I always got my tickets and exchanged them for a book. They were pretty dreary books, for there was not a bad boy in the entire bookcase. They were all good boys and good girls and drearily uninteresting, but they were better society than none, and I was glad to have their company and disapprove of it.


A man who goes around with a prophecy-gun ought never to get discouraged: if he will keep up his heart and fire at everything he sees, he is bound to hit something by and by.


I could not really complain, because he had only given me his word of honor as security; I ought to have required of him something substantial.


I have been on the verge of being an angel all my life, but it’s never happened yet.


*which is a long f***ing time to wait for the second volume of a book that’s already been written. I mean Jesus f***ing Christ scholars, did I ask for two hundred pages of endnotes? Twain is sassy. That’s all I need to know.


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