Oregon Trail Crushes Dreams, New Report Finds

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“Mommy, why does everyone I love die of cholera?” eight year-old Bobby Harris asked just yesterday, after playing this online simulation of the fabled game/torture device, The Oregon Trail.

This sage eight-year old’s words mirror those of many children, who over the years have been exposed to the horrors of the game.

We here at Sick Puppies decided to contact two of The Oregon Trail”s previous victims/players, to see what they had to say about their experience.

“Gosh, you know something? I’m really glad my fifth grade teacher had me play it,” 38 year-old ex-Oregon Trail player Debbie Williams said, “Back then, I thought cholera was a lunch meat. But you know what that game taught me? Cholera is bad. It’ll mess your wagon up and make it so that everyone dies.”

“Yeah, game was so totally gnarly!” surfer dude Rock Lock said, “Man, though. Whenever I played it, my whole party would die of cholera! Mega un-rad, yo.”

The Cholera Foundation for America released a press statement last week, commenting on the issue:  “We here at The Cholera Foundation for America are pro-Cholera, pro-Foundation, and pro-American. As such, it is with great sadness that we can say more Americans are anti-cholera than ever before. In 1973, just a year before The Oregon Trail came out, two out of every three Americans were reported as being ambivalent/confused by cholera, while one-third were against it.”

“Now,” the press release goes on to say, “two out of every three Americans are anti-cholera, with only one-third not understanding what it is. This is a travesty, and can only be explained by the Indian propaganda that The Oregon Trail so clearly hopes to poison our children’s minds with.”

The Cholera Foundation’s President and only member — Oscar Reagan — refused to say whether he meant Indian as in Native American or Indian as in “of India.”

To quote him directly, “I’m so drunk, and so alone. Can someone contact ex-wife and tell her I still love her? Her name is Clarissa.”

2 thoughts on “Oregon Trail Crushes Dreams, New Report Finds

    Louis Samson said:
    March 10, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    Articles like this one really make me question all those hours I spent in the Wolfson Building. The SPJ would have a field day with the omissions and oversights. Where to begin?

    In the body of your piece, you make no mention, let alone citation, of the report mentioned in the title. One would be led to believe that the contents of this report focus more on reactions to the game “Oregon Trail,” and less on Americans’ feelings about cholera. It “crushes dreams” after all.

    “The Cholera Foundation for America released a press statement last week, commenting on the issue” This statement, however, now leads me to guess that cholera must be mentioned in this mysterious report. Now I am forced into another assumption: that your organization contacted Mr. Reagan for clarification on his press statement. How else would you know what “he refused to say” or be able to quote the man directly? His quote, however, does not come off as a refusal at all. It’s as if he were unaware the topic being discussed was his press release. This is “gotcha journalism” at its most yellow, and I hope he takes legal action against you for libel.

    I have many more reasons to believe this to be a planted piece, but only so much time. So I’ll include only one more. A quote from Bobby Harris, so conveniently uttered yesterday, less than a week after the report. A quote that your news organization caught wind of. Quite the lucky coincidence? Or was it completely manufactured? Let’s look at the anecdotal evidence:

    -How does an eight year old not love his mommy? I refuse to believe the only other logical alternative, that he was speaking to the spirit of his dead mother who herself had died of cholera. According to World Health Organization data from the year 2012, there were 0 deaths in the United States due to cholera. I’m willing to project that back another 6 years and be suspect.

    -What sort of eight year old loves characters who are known to him only by written names and limited, static, graphical representations. In this day in age of 3D televisions, where everything is animated and holofoiled, this just doesn’t pass the smell test.

    My surmisal of actual events : The author of this piece meant to take a “selfie” for his snapchat, but had the wrong side iphone camera activated. This resulted in the picture at the top of the article of him playing Oregon Trail. He then wrote this entire piece as a cover-up for his flub. And he almost got away with it.

    Billy said:
    March 10, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    Haha. Let me address your criticisms in the most thorough way that I can.

    Yes. You are right. I’m a selfie-taking fraud.

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