“Mommy, why does everyone I love die of cholera?” eight year-old Bobby Harris asked just yesterday, after playing this online simulation of the fabled game/torture device, The Oregon Trail.
This sage eight-year old’s words mirror those of many children, who over the years have been exposed to the horrors of the game.
We here at Sick Puppies decided to contact two of The Oregon Trail”s previous victims/players, to see what they had to say about their experience.
“Gosh, you know something? I’m really glad my fifth grade teacher had me play it,” 38 year-old ex-Oregon Trail player Debbie Williams said, “Back then, I thought cholera was a lunch meat. But you know what that game taught me? Cholera is bad. It’ll mess your wagon up and make it so that everyone dies.”
“Yeah, game was so totally gnarly!” surfer dude Rock Lock said, “Man, though. Whenever I played it, my whole party would die of cholera! Mega un-rad, yo.”
The Cholera Foundation for America released a press statement last week, commenting on the issue: “We here at The Cholera Foundation for America are pro-Cholera, pro-Foundation, and pro-American. As such, it is with great sadness that we can say more Americans are anti-cholera than ever before. In 1973, just a year before The Oregon Trail came out, two out of every three Americans were reported as being ambivalent/confused by cholera, while one-third were against it.”
“Now,” the press release goes on to say, “two out of every three Americans are anti-cholera, with only one-third not understanding what it is. This is a travesty, and can only be explained by the Indian propaganda that The Oregon Trail so clearly hopes to poison our children’s minds with.”
The Cholera Foundation’s President and only member — Oscar Reagan — refused to say whether he meant Indian as in Native American or Indian as in “of India.”
To quote him directly, “I’m so drunk, and so alone. Can someone contact ex-wife and tell her I still love her? Her name is Clarissa.”