True Detective Seasons 2-6

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HBO's "True Detective" Season 1 / Director: Cary Fukunaga

HBO’s True Detective is basically one of the best shows on television right now.

Don’t believe me, Doubting Thomas? Well would you believe The Atlantic, The Daily Beast, and The Guardian?

As you can see, True Detective is the show everyone is talking about. And the craziest part is, each season features a new story and new actors. The only thing that stays the same is the genre, which follows some detectives as they solve crimes and stuff (fictional ones, ironically enough.)

This led us here at Sick Puppies to wonder. What happens if the show’s showrunner, Nic Pizzolatto, decides not to continue with the show, but HBO is unwilling to cancel it?

What will other showrunners do to spice this show up?

Aaron Sorkin

(Two detectives walk through a field. One’s a man. The other a woman.)

Man: I feel like a knight sometimes, or a cowboy. Sometimes I think I’m a knight fighting a windmill.

Woman: A windmill?

Man: A windmill.

Woman: I don’t understand.

Man: You wouldn’t. Ever see Man of La Mancha?

Woman: No.

Man (shaking head): Women.

Woman: I’m sorry. It’s just that my womanly hormones were acting up.

Man: Womanly hormones?

Woman: Womanly hormones.

Man: I remember the good ol’ days, when a man was a man and a woman was a woman and the detectives in this great nation could do their jobs well. You know what’s wrong with this country? It’s a lot of things, but mostly just women. And young people, too. They’re too womanly.

(Man 2 rushes up towards them.)

Man 2: You guys passed the body a couple minutes ago. But you just kept walking.

David E. Kelley

(Detective stands in a shoe store, looking at dead body. Dead body has three arrows in it, as well as a post-it note stuck to his forehead. The post-it note reads, “OMG”)

Detective: That’s pretty quirky.

Ryan Murphy

(That red-headed chick who always ends up dying on American Horror Story lies in a bed, dead. Jessica Lange sits on a chair, using all the acting skills she has to stare down the detective, who is played by Evan Peters.)

Evan: So, uh, this is a dead girl.

Jessica: Don’t make me drop a house on you.

Evan: What?

Jessica: I’m a witch bitch.

Evan: I don’t understand.

Jessica: The thing this coven needs is a new bed.

Evan: I feel like you’re just throwing one-liners at me, with no regard for plot or character.

(A man-bat being played by Frances Conroy crashes through the window, flying into Evan Peters and turning him into a vampire. Three Oompa-Loompas enter the stage, singing the song. One of the Oompa-Loompas is played by Leslie Jordan. Angel Bassett crawls out from under the bed.)

Angela Bassett: You in trouble now.

Whoever the Hell is Responsible for Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

(There are no detectives in this scene, or in the show in general. Just two Abercrombie & Fitch models and Clark Gregg. The Abercrombie & Finch models pose for the camera. Gregg giggles incoherently, looking around.)

Clark Gregg: I’m sure there are detectives somewhere in this universe.

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