CVS discriminates against dead people

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A recent study shows CVS purposely markets it’s products only to the living. CVS CEO Larry Merlo was quoted saying “We make products that help living people get better. It’s a waste of time to market to people who aren’t even allowed to own real estate.”

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As you can imagine, this has caused quite a stir. A spokesperson for People for the Equal Treatment of the Dead And the Living, aka PEDAL, said “My psychic told me in a recent seance with my grandmother that she wanted a bag of thin mints and the most recent National Inquirer delivered to her plot every Friday. The CVS staff member refused to give me a senior discount on the purchase even though my grandma would be 97 this year. Disgusting!”

PEDAL has taken CVS to court many times over claims that the large pharmacy chain refused to deliver bottles of medication to gravesites and that CVS employess have gone so far as to kick out PEDAL members who brought their dead relatives into the store with them in order to use their CVS discount card.

CVS has refused further comment with Sick Puppies correspondant Billy Peery who has camped outside their corporate headquarters for 2 months. He’s lived off the mints in the front lobby that he steals anytime the receptionist goes to the bathroom. According to Billy, the staff seems “suspicious” and always “stares at me” and “one guy even gave me a hamburger, but I’m obviously a vegan!”

Seems CVS is up to no good. We promise to keep updating this story as much as possible. We’ll leave Billy out there years if we have to with no food or water, then CVS will have to finally give customer service to a corpse. Take that corporate America!

 

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