1. Look at yourself in the mirror. Did you just murmur, “I’m Federal Agent Jack Bauer, and today is the longest day of my life”?
2. Ask someone something–anything. Maybe ask the guy at the deli counter what sort of condiments he offers. Or maybe ask the friendly man walking down the street what sort of breed his dog is. Did you torture someone, shoot them in the kneecaps, and accuse them of being a terrorist, just because they didn’t answer quickly enough?
3. Do you never urinate? Ever? Like even just once at some point during a very stressful day in your life?
4. Have you disarmed a lot of nuclear bombs? Also quick side-note do you like surreptitiously find somewhere to pee while you’re disarming the nuclear bombs because I’m just really confused on this issue.
5. At this point you’ve probably figured out whether or not your Jack Bauer. So if you are Jack, I have a couple questions. Do you have a fear of toilets?
6. Do you have a really strong urinary tract?
7. Does this help you fight off the terrorists?
8. I’m just curious I’m sorry I PROMISE I’m not a terrorist.
9. Pinky swear.
10. Cross my heart and either way I hope to not die.
11. Oh god my kneecaps.