NFL Removes Defense From Professional Football

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It’s rumored that after the Superbowl in February the NFL will be making an announcement that prevents any defensive players from being on the field when the other team’s offense is playing.

“We think we got it right.  Concussion awareness was really expensive this year.  In our annual meeting someone said ‘Hey, let’s eliminate tackling to eliminate law suits.’ Then it went to suggesting flag football, but then we realized that if two people were going for the ball at the same time, someone could inadvertently get hurt.  So, someone said ‘What if we just didn’t allow anyone to defend?’.”

Future NFL Photos
Future NFL Photos

Advocates of the new rule like the Buffalo Bills said “Maybe we can finally score!”.  Goodell wanted to be clear that just because the defense can’t be on the field while the offense plays, they are encouraged to stand on the sidelines and give mean looks and even talk really loud to distract the other team.

“You’d think I’d be upset about this, but this is going to give me the opportunity to come out of retirement and work on my PCP dance,” said Ray Lewis.  Tampa Bay is looking to revive the ole “Na-Na-Na-Na Boo Boo Stick your head in doo doo” chant.  Jacksonville will still forfeit.

Of course, some players don’t believe the league has gone far enough.

“Why are you still subjecting us to the cold,” said Drew Brees “I have a sensitivity to cold weather.”

When asked if he agreed, Peyton Manning replied “Shut your pansy ass.  I’m playing with a broken foot and neck.”  Manning then punched our interviewer directly in the mouth.

The league believes the fans will be happy with this. “The playoffs have record ratings and let’s be honest;  Nobody really played defense in that Kansas City/Indy game…. amirite?”

The NFL isn’t the first professional league to ban defense. The NBA eliminated it back in the late 80’s along with allowing the players to take 10-15 steps before calling travelling.


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