An Open Letter to the Miami Dolphins

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Dear Miami Dolphins,

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This is my open letter that I’m writing because it seems like anything that says “open letter” totally seems to get empathetic public support on the internet regardless of facts.

I am a loyal fan.  I have been ever since I moved down here in 2001. I used to own season tickets.  However, my fan-hood is diminishing.  I realize that you don’t care about me anymore.  In fact, I bet you don’t even know my name?  It’s how I feel.  Before you call me crazy, hear me out.

It was an afternoon game in 2005 and you lined up Wes Welker as a blocker when clearly you should have played him in the slot.  I was at the game.  I screamed at the top of my lungs 32 rows back “Put Wes in the Slot”.  You didn’t even try to act like I was there.  You just ran the play, but I forgave you.  However, later in the game when I yelled “Jason Taylor! Sack Favre!” and he didn’t… I knew that you just didn’t even care about me.

You think I’m the only one that feels this way?  I was at the wild card playoff game when you lost to Baltimore and there were hundreds, no THOUSANDS of people yelling “DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!” and what did you do?  Nothing.  You just let the Ravens score. Why are you so abusive?  I’m part of this relationship Dolphins and I have feelings too.

I’ve tried everything to fix our relationship.  I’ve called into sports talk radio shows and shared my suggestions.  I told ESPN Radio that I wanted Drew Brees guys.  I wanted him.   But no. You probably didn’t even listen to the radio show that day.  You’re so selfish.  I had to hear about Culpepper on SportsCenter! ON SPORTS CENTER Dolphins!  Do you know how embarrassing it is for your friends and family to know more about your relationship than you?

One year, I stopped shaving in hopes that we’d get into the playoffs.  My thanks?  You traded away Welker… are kidding me?  I lost my job and wife and had to check into an alcohol treatment facility.  And did you visit even once?  No.  No you didn’t.  What’s worse?  You went 8 and 8 that year.  That’s worse than going 3 and 13 because not only did we not make the playoffs, we ended up picking 24th in the draft.  24th!!!! Why wouldn’t you consult me first?

I’ve been talking to everyone about you and they all feel the same.  You suck.  And yes, I sometimes talk bad about you behind your back. And yes, sometimes I air out our dirty laundry online, but that doesn’t excuse your complete neglect of me and my feelings Dolphins!

You know it was my daughter’s birthday last March.  You know what she would have loved?  for a visit from Dan Marino.  No, I didn’t send in a request.  I just assumed you’d know me well enough to just have him show up.  You obviously don’t even want to show an effort. You just want my money.  My money and my soul.

My mother says that I should completely break up with you.  Maybe find a new team.  Maybe quit NFL altogether.  My mother went so far as to call me a Soccer lover.  A Soccer lover!  Gross.  She treats me like my love for NFL is a choice.  WE both know it’s not.

I told her that you don’t mean to be this way and that you’re just really busy.  Which is why I’m giving you one more year Dolphins.  But this is it.  I know I’ve said it before, but I haven’t invested 13 years, 4 DUIs, 23 Jerseys, 2 restraining orders and bankruptcy to say goodbye just yet.  I know you can change.  I know you’ll come around and love me.  You love me don’t you?

Also, I totally will be at the training facility at 3am awaiting training camp.  I’m a Dol-FAN!!

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