In a recent interview with CNN corespondent Anderson Cooper, the mayor of Colorado’s capitol explained his recent outburst at a Taco Bell: “I just felt like my heart was going to explode,” he said, “Everything sort of slowed down. And then I looked at my hand and wondered, “Is my hand actually a dolphin?'”
He claims it was this thought that compelled him to set the Taco Bell on fire.
“I just started thinking what that would mean. If my hand is a dolphin, and dolphins are part of nature, what’s going to happen to nature when the hippies are too stoned to care about anything anymore? Who will speak for the mountains, once sobriety is banished from my city, and the whole state of Colorado? So yes. I lit that Taco Bell on fire. And yes, I pulled down my pants and yelled, ‘Love is all you need!’ But given the circumstances, can you really blame me?”
At that moment, he clutched his heart and started taking in deep breaths. He then proceeded to bark like a seal. After a few barks, he took a gasp of air, yelling, “I’m dyin’! I’m dyin’! Somebody call the angels. I’m coming, Bobby! I’m coming!”
The identity of this mysterious ‘Bobby’ is still unknown.
Needless to say, this interview did not go as well as the mayor and his staff had hoped for. Later that day, he gave a follow-up press statement.
“I apologize for the things I’ve said and the things I’ve done. We’ve located the source of my issues, which was the chef I have employed to cook for me and my family. It turns out he had, in fact, put pot in my brownies. I apologize to everyone I’ve upset, and must also state that my chef will not–I repeat will not–be fired. He does in fact make very tasty tortellini, without which my life would feel like nothing more than a void of despair.”
In other news, the state of Colorado has run out of Pringles.