1. Dive into a pit of quicksand.
2. Live like your life is an opera. Sing everything instead of saying it.
3. Breathe loudly and see how quickly you can annoy people.
4. Adopt a British accent. Insist you’ve always been British.
5. Cover yourself in fake blood. Run through the streets, yelling, “It’s alive.”
6. Cover yourself in fake blood. Run through the streets, yelling, “I killed it.”
7. Cover yourself in fake blood. Run through the streets. Grab anyone who’s close enough, stare them in the eyes, and ask, “Are you my mother?”
8. Don’t make eye contact with anyone for a full year. You’re too flawless to tarnish your eyes.
9. Become the Whoopi Goldberg you wish to see in the world.
10. Marathon all three season of American Horror Story. (No but really it’s such a good show.)
11. Mail all of your friends this note: “We’ve been discovered. Run.”
12. Start the zombie apocalypse.
13. Develop a fear of the number 13.
14. Get rid of your fear of the number 13.
15. Watch old Glenn Beck episodes. Drink whenever he says something ridiculous. Try to not die.
16. Enroll yourself in Kindergarten.
17. Yell, “You just got Punk’d” at somebody. Look around. Ask where the cameras went.
18. Shush a librarian.
19. Learn how to say, “I know Spanish,” in Spanish. Whenever someone starts speaking Spanish around you, glare at them. Say, “I know Spanish,” and walk away, triumphant.
20. Get seven friends to dress up as Spartacus with you. Run around insisting you’re Spartacus.
21. Get 99 problems. Rap about it.
22. Wear a judge’s wig and go to a court. Yell, “No, YOU’RE out of order!” at a passerby, jabbing your finger at them.
23. Become Our Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ.
24. Figure out which Batman villain you bear the most resemblance to. Dress accordingly.
25. Kill the Batman.
26. Spill coffee on someone. Fall in love. But make sure you spill coffee on the right person because you WILL fall in love with them, no exceptions.
27. Send Obama a letter, blaming him for killing Santa Claus.
28. Ask someone if they want to take the Red Pill or the Blue Pill.
29. GO SEE AN IMPROV SHOW. ASSIMILATE. BECOME ONE WITH THE FUNNY.
30. *Zoey Deschanel voice* Be quirky and be yourself.