10 Ways to Win the War on Water

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The price of water is getting out of hand.  It’s time to take a stand!  We’ll have our own Boston Tea Party, the Florida Water Small but no less important Gathering of Good Friends.  Or FWSBNLIGOGF for short.  (Pronounced: “Fuh Was Bin Li Gog Fff”)

Here’s 10 ways we can stick it to the man!  The water man!  The water main man!

#10 – Put bottled water in your dog’s bowl.  Then when you take him out for a walk, bottle his over priced waste and mail it to Dasani®.  There should be a note attached explaining that it still tastes the same.

It’s organic!

#9 – Take a trip to Aquafina®’s “Natural Springs”.  When you get there, bring an actual spring coil from the inside of a car engine (preferably the CEO’s Lexus) in with you along with your lawyer buddy from grad school.   Then cry out about false advertising and threaten a lawsuit.

#8 – Empty of bottle of Nestle® PureLife into the street.  Anytime you’re thirsty, think about all the poor children in third world countries who are starving due to these horrid water companies forcing them into slave labor.  Fill the bottle with your tears.  Enjoy

#7 – Yell at anyone on the streets drinking a bottled water.  Tell them “The end of the world is nigh!  Repent your plastic hydration heathen ways now before it’s too late”  Make sure you’re naked and only wearing a sign that says “Eat at Joe’s”

It’s the end this time! I’m sure of it! Again…

#6 – Dress up as President Obama® then record yourself on your webcam making a State of the Union address on how water tycoons are stealing from the little man, and we should rise up against their molecule tyranny.  Hack into the government video posting site and post it there so people think it’s legit.

#5 – Gain mutant psychic powers on par with Professor X.  Use these powers to wipe people’s memories and replace them with a bottled water free history of the world.

#4 – Sacrifice goats to a pagan god while conducting ancient and forbidden summoning rituals.  When the god appears, ask it to smite all the water worshipers.  Sit back and enjoy as a 500 foot tall Enraged Marshmallow Spirit rampages through New York.

DEAR GOD IT’S CONFECTIONERY HELL ON EARTH!

#3 – Build a giant Anime robot with super cool flashy fireball powers.  Take this robot on a rampage destroying any city with the audacity to house a Water Conglomerate of Doom!  Bring the water lords to their knees!  (Careful in Tokyo though, Godzilla don’t like it when you mess around on his turf.)

#2 – Find a Genie.  Wish for Godlike powers the likes of which dwarf even the wildest dreams of humanity.  Using this power, you will destroy all existence as we know it.  You will rebuild our world, and all worlds in the vision you have perceived in your mind’s eye.  Plastic will never have been invented.  And the thought of putting it in a container for profit drives people into a murderous rage!  You will create the new Eden!  A Eutopia!  A Nirvana of mankind!  Peace and Happiness will reign supreme for all eternity!

#1 – Drink tap water.

I hope you’ll join us Jan 10th as we continue our Pure® campaign against the monetary hydration of mankind.  Also, we’ll do some improv comedy at 9:30pm.
http://www.sickpuppiescomedy.com for more details and to buy tickets!

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