So You Wanna Be a Gay Witch

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Maybe you’re a lady who’s been missing Halloween, because the candy was so good, the skirts so short, and you’re just not feeling the Christmas spirit. Or maybe you’re a man who’s been watching the most recent season of American Horror Story and coming to terms with the fact that men can’t be part of a coven unless they’re super-gay.

Whatever the reason, recently you’ve been looking at yourself in the mirror, saying, “Wow, my life would be so much better if I was just a little bit gayer, and a little bit more witchy.” Follow this step-by-step plan and I promise you will become a gay witch, no strings attached.


Step 1: Be gay.

This one is pretty non-negotiable. I mean, it’s right there in the title. If you wanna be a gay witch, you gotta be gay.

There are a couple ways to go about it.

Actually, scratch that. There’s only one way: you have to be born gay. Haven’t you listened to Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way”?

Whatever. If you listen to Village People, One Direction, and Cher on repeat for a week, I’ll let you be a gay person.

I can do that. You see, I’m a card-carrying member of the gay club, even though I’m currently non-practicing.*


Step 2: Be a witch

Once you’re pretty gay, you’ll have to get a broom, douse the handle in hallucinogens, and rub it on your naughty bits.

No, really. That’s it. As reported in a recent Atlantic article, witchcraft started when people found a hallucinogenic fungus called ergot. Deciding they wanted to have a good time, some women decided to apply the fungus to their naughty bits, since that area was the most receptive to the stuff. Apparently, they would then feel as though they were flying.

She's smiling because she's tripping balls.
She’s smiling because she’s tripping balls.

That’s it! That’s the plan.

Remember, once you’re a gay witch, there are so many wonderful things you can do! For starters, why not punch a baby? According to some politicians, gay people are ruining America. Let’s not lose that reputation!

* Get it? ‘Cause I’m single. 😉


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