Donald Trump’s Hair Extradited to Russia

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In a shocking turn of events, Donald Trump’s hair has been forcibly removed from his head, put in handcuffs, and carted off to Russia.

We here at Sick Puppies called the KGB*, who was responsible for the extradition. Its official had this to say, “I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.” He laughed. “No but really.”

An anonymous source claims that the hair was involved in an elaborate ponzi scheme, which reached through the upper echelons of Russia’s government. The source goes on to state that this turn of events took a hard toll on Trump. Apparently, the hair was in fact sentient, and had a calming influence on the billionaire tycoon.

The source goes on, “When his [Trump’s] hair was taken from him, his eyes lit up, as if he had awoken for the first time in years. He asked me, ‘Apprentice? Why would I need an Apprentice? I’m Donald Trump. Haven’t you read The Bible?” He then proceeded to fire people in his organization, one-by-one, yelling “You’re fired!” as he jabbed his finger in their face.

After three solid days of this, he is the only remaining member of The Trump Organization.

When asked about her firing, buxom ex-maid Yolanda James had this to say, “What the ****? That ***** *** ****** put his **** in my *** and I had to just get up and leave the ******* business? What the ******* ******** ***** *** ************ **** is that?”

*The KGB is DEFINITELY still a real thing. Don’t look it up, though. That’d just be a waste of time.


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