Hey there campers! Today is a super special day that only comes once a year. Friday the 13th! Today we should take extra precautions to make sure no ancestors rise from the grave to murder you with fire axes or finger knives.
Here are the 5 most important things you can do to help keep you safe:
#1: Check your cabin and nearby lake for corpses
– Nothing is more frustrating than forgetting to bring back the body of your friend to lay them to rest. Sure it wasn’t your fault that he fell out of the boat and drowned, and you don’t want anyone to know about it, but you don’t wanna take the chance that his soul learns to swim and to brandish a pickaxe.
#2: Make sure you’re on good terms with all your dangerous relatives
– Even if it’s little Johnny who’s a horrible nasty brat who clubs baby seals for fun, you never know when something could happen that would cause an ancient family curse that would lock his body in the attic while his soul went on a family cleansing killing spree to buy his freedom. Chances are he may still come after you, but at least you’ll be last on his list giving you time to find a shaman or at least have that last White Castle burger before you take a dirt nap.
#3: Put all your Black Magic knick knacks in storage
– Now this one sounds simple, but is quite important. That shrunken head you’ve been showing off to your friends may in fact contain the spirit of a crazed killer witch who’s just been waiting for today to make a break for it using your body as a vessel to usher in the apocalypse. That and it’s always good to clear up space for new trinkets like Disney necklaces or the Necronomicon.
#4: Don’t answer the phone after 6
– The killer will figure no one is home and call your neighbor, preferably the nosy one with all those damned annoying cats.
#5: Practice Running faster than someone who’s walking/shambling after you
This one is probably the MOST important tool in your arsenal. Don’t underestimate just how fast someone walking very slowly or even missing a leg can move. Also, assume that since they have just risen from the dead, they don’t stop to take a breather. Keep running. If you pause to see if they are still following you, hoping for some reason that the reborn cursed bloodthirsty killer whose single purpose after 500 years in the grave is to hunt you down and rip your spine out through your nostril has suddenly decided moving an extra 600 feet is just too much, maybe you deserve it.
So campers, enjoy your friday and remember, 13 can be a lucky number. Well as long as your definition of “lucky” is getting an axe to the skull. Have a fun weekend!