*This article uses the Greek names for the gods, even though the title refers to Romans. Deal. With. It.
Billy: If you could have sex with a Greek God, which one would you do it with?
Robin: Who would I do it with? My first thought is Aphrodite, because she’s the goddess of love. I mean, I’m straight, but I feel like she knows what she’s doing. You know, ’cause she’s the goddess of love.
Billy: Wouldn’t that also make her the goddess of STDs?
Billy: What about Ares? I’m into the bad boys.
Robin: I feel like he’s a jerk, though. Hephaestus is an underrated choice.
Billy: Doesn’t he have a flaccid limb?
Robin: Stop that.
Billy: No, wait. My guy would be Apollo. He’s the god of health. No way he has STDs.
Robin: I feel like Hermes would be a good match for you.
Billy: Ooh, bad boy twink? I’m in.
Robin: But how are you going to find him?
Billy: Just steal some s***.
Robin: Speaking of, I’ve got my choice. I want Artemis, because she’s supposed to be a virgin, and I like taking what I’m not supposed to. I like the forbidden fruit. But, like, consensual forbidden fruit. I want to wow her with my sexual prowess and three years of high school Latin. And then she’ll be like, “Wow Robin you’re so sexy you can pull my bow any day.”
Billy: Is that a euphemism for something?
Robin: Why don’t you ask your mother?
Billy: I’m definitely not going to ask my mother.
Robin: Well then I guess you’ll never know.
Billy: Okay. So we’re both agreed on saying no to Zeus?
Robin: The entirety of Greek mythology is basically one big after school special entitled, “Say No to Zeus.”
Billy: What about Poseidon?
Robin: I’m not into beach sex.
Robin: He’s kind of like that guy in your basement, playing World of Warcraft. If you think about it, Hell is kind of like everyone’s basement.
Billy: Wow, that’s deep.
Robin: So’s Charybdis.
Billy: Are you saying you want to have sex with a sea monster/whirlpool?
Robin: I’m not gonna say yes.
Billy: But you’re not going to say no, either.
Robin: You get me.