1. Sometimes, when I gaze into your eyes, it’s like there’s a Cuban Missile Crisis. In my pants.
2. The Egyptians used to use crocodile dung as contraception. Isn’t that nasty? Let’s celebrate the invention of the condom together.
3. You’re the West Berlin to my East Berlin. Let’s break down this wall between us and celebrate democracy.
4. Love with me is like a Tennessee Williams play: long and sometimes overly loud, but therefore totally worth it.
5. Are you an archaeologist? ‘Cause I’d like you to do something with this bone I have.
6. In 1960, Nikita Khrushchev, leader of the Soviet Union, interrupted the UN General Assembly by banging his shoe on a desk. You wanna be the shoe or the desk?
7. Baby, you make me hotter than the flaming Hindenburg.
8. Shiver me timbers, matey. I’d like to commandeer your penis.
9. I think you just turned my Napoleon into a Lincoln, if you know what I mean. Wanna dance?
10. Howdy, ma’am. I’ve got a horse here looking for a watering hole. Care to oblige?
11. (This one’s for the lesbians) I think I’m the Oracle of Delphi, because I’m seeing your boobs in my future.
12. Are you Julius Caesar? ‘Cause I wanna stab you 33 times with my penis, if you’d be into that. If not we can just order Chinese food or something.