Thank you to Ro Dancer and Taylor Harker, the topic of cats is on the table this week. In this world, you have three types of people: Dog People, Cat People and Michael Vick. I’m not saying that as a dog person, you are obsessed with the animal, I’m just saying that you tend to have more control of your life than cat people. If you’re a cat person, you probably take offense to that. Well, before you get all shitty, take off your “Cat Coat” that you wear so not to ruin your other clothes and read this. You people are slowly taking over the world, which means it will end soon. Here’s Why.
Improvisers are Cat People – In a recent study conducted by Casey Casperson, 14 out of 9 Improvisers are cat people. Why is this relevant? Sick Puppies just sold out their February 8 show, which means, people enjoy watching Improvisers, who love Chaos, which means lots of people love cats. Here’s a picture of a typical cat person’s house.
Monopoly – Last week, Monopoly held a “Save Your Token” Campaign. Monopoly is likely a secret government agency designed to monitor the public and get a temperature on crazy. Why else would you have a game that everyone commonly accepts taking money out of the middle when you land on free parking, YET IT’S NEVER BEEN WRITTEN IN THE RULES? Ok, ok. Back to the Campaign. The results were staggering. The Iron was replaced by, you guessed it, the Cat. What does this mean? Anarchy. It means that cats are very near to a full brainwash of the world. When you out vote a piece like the very useful, practical Iron, you know that people are really saying “I’m a cat person! I don’t need an Iron! I don’t wear clothes usually. And when I do, they certainly aren’t worthy of pressing.” If that doesn’t convince you, also realize that the cat outnumbered the robot. Cat people are firmly against robots, because cats hate robots. Ever seen one around a rumba?
Loving to be Hated – If you own a cat, you think your cat loves you. You then model the rest of your relationships in life based off of this. Did you know that cat owners are 241% more likely to be punched in the face by their best friend? Did you know that the very same person is 76% more likely to love that person even more after being abused? The reality is that cats don’t love you. They tolerate you. They find you to be a disgusting creature. They get annoyed that they have to act dependent upon you to eat, when in reality, they could kill you in your sleep, chop up your body, freeze you and live for 16-18 years happily ever after.
WitchCraft – Whenever the world is close to suspecting the true cause of chaos in our world, Cat’s create a distraction. A lesser known fact about the Salem Witches is that all of them owned cats. It is legend that a local was walking by one of the “witches” homes and saw what appeared to be the devil standing in her window. Unfortunately, it was a just a cat owner that had not slept for 3 days because her cat would not let her.
Agenda – Make no mistake, Cats want all dogs dead. Dogs are here to remind human beings how to be empathetic, caring and loving. As long as we are connected to our emotions, cats can’t win. What is it that cats will do when they ultimately rule the world? Well, go visit the home of someone that owns more than 3 cats, and tell me if that’s a world you want to live in.
Thanks for the suggestion. We’ll see you next week.