Suggestion Sunday: Homophobes in the Workplace

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ImageThe Puppies are going to begin taking suggestions on what we should blog about on Sundays.  Somewhat of an “improvised” blog.  The topic can be anything and the suggestion with most “likes” will be what we talk about.  Since we are a comedy company, we will likely take any subject and try to add some humor.  This week, the winning suggestion is “Homophobes in the WorkPlace“.

Homophobes are morons.  They aren’t just stupid, they’re hateful.  I could go on for days about the ignorance of people afraid of the LGBT community, but I think 75% of the country already agrees with me.  In other words, why preach to the choir?  Let’s talk about things you can do in your work place to mess with them.  To cover my ass, this post is for informational purposes only.  I do not condone any practices that could jeopardize your employment.

Homophobes are not subtle.  They spout their terrible gay jokes to anyone who will listen.  In fact, most homophobes believe that everyone but the gays are homophobes.  it’s part of that whole ignorance thing.  Once spotted, get to work.

1.  If you’re gay, talk to them –  Nothing makes a homophobe more uncomfortable than if a gay person talks to them.  They truly have a fear that you may try to rape them or something.  Of course, if they happen to be the opposite sex, this won’t have the same effect, but do it anyway.  Pull people out of their comfort zone and simply be nice.  Remember, you’ve been gay your whole life… they think gay is an airborne virus.

2.  Convince them they are gay – Have a conversation with the phobe and ask their opinion on things.  “Hey, what did you think of that movie Expendables 2?” and the phobe will likely say “OH, Bro! it was so badass.  I loved that shit!”.  Then all you have to say is this: “That’s exactly what Brad said” (Brad being a gay man in the office… also, Brad needs to know you are doing this).  It’s important when you say this, that you say it matter of fact.  You can’t say it in a suggestive tone.  It makes things far worse for a homophobe when they realize they might have something in common with a gay person, because, of course… that could mean they are gay too.

3.  Send him Flowers – When they arrive, run over to his desk and make an announcement so that everyone can see he got flowers.  Then ask to read the card and even say something like “Man, I wish my girlfriend would send me something cool like flowers” right before you open it.  And of course the card will say “It was great to meet you at (insert gay bar name) the other night.  Thanks for being such a good listener.  Signed, Thomas”  Act surprised and embarrassed for him.  He, of course, will accuse you of doing this, so if you don’t think you can hold character, you might want to coerce another co-worker to do it.  It’s completely pointless if the card isn’t read out loud.

4.  Organize a Gay Awareness day, but forget to tell him – Have everyone at the office wear purple… certainly he won’t and then everyone will remind him of his mistake.  Be sure to send out the announcement when he’s gone for lunch or left for the day.  Hard to organize, but funny to imagine.

5.  Sign his work email up for Gay Porn Sites – enough said.

6. Invite them to your events if you’re gay – Though he may be an asshole, if you call him over to your cubicle, hand him an invitation and tell him it would mean alot if he attended your marraige/birthday/mixer party it’s going to be hard for him to turn you down.  It’s all about making him uncomfortable.

It’s so tempting to approach a homophobe and punch him in the face, but it won’t change his way of thinking and it won’t let you keep your job.  Some people will never change, but most of us evolve.  Continue to be good to yourself and others and hopefully your example will convince others to do the same.  Thanks for the suggestion.

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