As reported by Variety, Disney has taken over the distribution rights for all future Indiana Jones films. This news has created a buzz across the Internet, with everyone wondering what a new Indiana Jones film would even look like, after the latest iteration of the franchise, Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, was so universally loathed.
Today we got an answer, and fan reaction has been far from positive.
The new director, hired after Steven Spielberg refused the job, described the film, “We’re moving the time frame forward again, this time to 1969. When the film starts, Indiana Jones is older and questioning his relevance in the world. As we saw in the last film, he had a nuclear bomb dropped on him. Therefore, he has cancer, which has prevented him from fighting Nazis. That makes sense. I mean, cancer sucks, am I right?”
“But the world always has a need for Indie. This becomes abundantly clear when a group of Neo-Nazis plan on using venomous snakes to kill everyone attending the Woodstock Festival. Their purpose is to find The Spliff of Serendipity, a spliff being hidden by some dirty hippy, for later smoking. Apparently its effects are so powerful, it can bring back the dead. Of course, the Neo-Nazis want to bring back Hitler. So Jimi Hendrix gets his old pal Jones to put a stop to some mother****ing Nazis.”
Several leaks have suggested even further plot details. According to them, the film will feature Indiana Jones making out with Truman Capote, smoking weed, and pissing on a Woodstock audience while playing “Purple Haze”.
When asked why he would be involved with what looks to be a straight-up embarrassment, Harrison Ford had this to say, “I get to wear the hat. It’s a nice hat.”